Losing my brother, Kharleez.


Al- Fatihah
Sheikh Kharleez Bamadhaj bin Jaffar (1992-2018)

FullSizeRenderWe were looking forward to his 26th birthday this 2nd of May 2018 and I had plans for him but that’s what they say about death, it can happen to anyone at any given time because ajal di tangan Allah swt. So his precious life ended at 25.

Saturday, 17 February 2018

I remember everything so clearly about the last time I saw him and the last time I spoke to him.

I went to my parents place to pick my mom, my nephew and niece up to stay the night at my place. My brother couldnt join us because he’s busy with work as always. When I got there, dad wasnt home so I salam my mom and went up to my brother’s room. I missed him.

Right before I knocked on his door, he opened it and I went in. I lay down on his bed and started gossiping bout stuff. He was listening to me, always a good listener while his eyes were glued to his computer. I got up and I hugged his head and oddly I said, “I wanna take your picture”.

So here it is, here’s the last picture I took of him, the last time I saw him.


Before we left, he came down to lock the main door. I hugged him twice very tightly and I said “bye love you”. He waited for us to leave, smiled, waved goodbye and that was it. That was the last time I saw my beloved baby brother. 2 days before he passed away.

Monday, 19 February 2018

Me and mom went to KLCC to get an iPad for my dad so I called my brother at 7pm. He wasn’t done with work yet, he couldn’t join us so I said “ok la nevermind see you soon, I love you okay?” and he said “ya ya ok byeeeee”. Typical.

So I sent mom back. On the way back in the car, we had a talk. I told mom that I love my brother so much and that he’s my person. And she said she would be so sad when he gets married and leaves her coz he’s the last one. So random..

We reached my parents house, surprised dad with the iPad and it was the end of a happy, happy day. So we thought.

Tuesday, 20 February 2018 

I was back at my own house sleeping alone (Jaz was on the flight back to KL) when I received the call from mom at 3AM. She asked whether my brother was at my place because he wasnt home yet and they cant reach him on the phone.

I said no and immediately cried out of worry and panic and mom told me to stop and said she was going to call the nearest hospitals to check. So I hung up and tried calling my brother.

“The number you have dialed cannot be reached”. My heart sank. 

I then noticed a bunch of notifications on my Facebook Messenger. A lot of strangers were trying to call me and a bunch of messages asking if I know Kharleez or if im his sister. I called one of them back .

“Ada kemalangan berlaku, puan boleh datang Hospital Sungai Buloh.. and bawa waris sekali” 

Waris. I didnt understand it at the time coz I just woke up and I was worried, trembling, raising my voice at the guy. IS HE OK? IS HE OK? .. “oh we cannot tell you that now”.

I called my husband who was at the airport and screamed that my brother got into an accident. He said he will see me there. So I drove at 3AM to the hospital, crying and shaking.

All 5 of us reached there at the same time. Mom, dad, my brother’s gf, her brother and me. We went to the emergency area and was asked to go down to forensic. Again, I didn’t know what that means because when I panic, everything just wont make sense. So we rushed downstairs.

Saw 2 police cars. Mom went ahead of me and asked the officer where’s her son. And from far, I saw him saying ” dia dah meninggal dunia” and mom broke down, his gf broke down and I just said no no no cannot be. I just spoke to him a couple of hours ago. How can he die.

I didn’t cry, was in a state of shock and I turned to my dad who came a minute later and just shook my head and said “he’s gone abah, he died’. 

My parents went to identify the body with the police and seeing them come out of there, hugging, crying and distraught, that’s when I cried like never before. I called my husband and told him, called my mother in law. Called my cousins, his friend and just cried and cried for 3 hours at the hospital. Only the 5 of us shared that initial traumatizing experience at the hospital.

My brother passed away at 11:45pm on 19 February 2018 and because his phone was a total loss and his IC wasn’t updated with the new address, we weren’t notified and I had to find out through facebook messages 3 hours later.

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The funeral was smooth alhamdulillah. I got to kiss his forehead goodbye. It was ice cold. Families came from everywhere, his friends of all races were there. He was buried on the same day after Zohor. Thank you to everyone that came.

Wednesday, 21 February 2018

This is when it hits. When the funeral was done, when people left. When I wake up the next day with the most painful heavy feeling in my chest, not wanting to believe yesterday even happened. When I opened my eyes and burst out crying. When I saw the light in his room was on and heard my mom sobbing in there at 6am. When I see my dad cry at the mention of his name, every single time.

I went into his room. Looked at everything he owned. His bed, his clothes, his books his computer, his bicycle that he rode to China. His smell lingered. It was overwhelming, I couldn’t take it.

We felt empty. The house felt incomplete. We were in tremendous pain and we couldnt help each other because our pain don’t hurt the same. They lost their son, I lost my brother. Really felt like we lost it all.

This is the first time that I’m feeling such grief. This is the first time I’m seeing my family in such a state. This pain is just different. It has no ending. No solutions. Its here to stay.

Don’t get me wrong. We redha Allah swt took him back because Allah swt loves him. We pray for him, baca doa for him. Never once we forget Allah swt in the midst of this grief. We better ourselves for him but it still hurts. The pain is unbearable.

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He was my comfort zone, he’s the one that can make me see things in a different light. He made my dark days better so now I feel like I’m stuck here without him. It’s been 16 days but it feels like yesterday. We continue to live our daily lives. We run errands and go to work. Some days are better than others. I laugh when something is funny but I am still damaged from it all. People say that it gets better, but how?

I pray everyday for Allah swt to give me and my family that strength that everyone’s talking about. I continue to pray. I have so much more to say but I’m tired of reliving this. Maybe next time.

Till then, Inna Lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji’un.
Al fatihah to my brother, Sheikh Kharleez Bamadhaj bin Jaffar.
I miss and love you then, now and forever. 




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7 thoughts on “Losing my brother, Kharleez.

  1. harivain

    My deepest, sincerest, heartfelt condolences to you and your family…
    I know no words can ease the pain but be strong. You’re right, God loves him more.
    Take care…


  2. Faizah Bamadhaj

    Bella, I read this with a heavy heart, I feel your pain very much so, even though we haven’t seen each other for a while. My heart sank remembering the morning I woke up, turn on Facebook & saw your mum’s post & tried to convince myself that it was only a bad dream…
    but it’s wasn’t…


  3. Yelna

    I read it.. I cried with every word. you wrote it so well I could imagine myself being there with you .. I have lost a family member and Im not gonna tell you it will be ok you will forget it. But you will accept it and you will find a new way to connect to him in your heart.. when I miss my mom I just pray and talk to her in my heart.. but this pain and that nights memory.. give it some time .. surrender for a while.. take it day by day . Love you 💕


  4. Auntie Sherie

    That special bond – only you have with Kharleez, was God’s gift, albeit only temporarily. Treasure that beautiful memory of Kharleez in your heart always for nobody can take that away from you Bella sayang ❤


  5. IK

    Hi, I just want to extend my condolences to you and your family for the loss of your brother. I was his senior in MMU and didn’t know him well, but he was close friends with my cousin and we would occasionally chat whenever I met up with my cousin. My cousin and I work at the same company along with some of her friends from MMU, and I would sometimes ask what your brother was up to. I was always fond of his quirky personality, and had followed his cycling adventures. My cousin and I have had conversations in the past on how “kuat semangat” he was, and how most of us end up in offices working 9-5 and rarely do anything exciting, and then some others end up living majestic lives you only watch on documentaries. You brother was one of them. I’m not too active on social media, so I only found out about his passing on Facebook yesterday, some kids from MMU had posted articles from the papers. I was shocked and caught off guard. I texted my cousin later that day, and she told me she was still very sad and at night would remember their college days. “Aku selalu ingat dia akan jadi orang berpengaruh satu hari nanti sebab dia suka menyumbang dan ada character leader” she said. “Bila kau hilang orang yang kau sayang tapi jarang-jarang jumpa, kau akan rasa lost”. I told her he was orang yang berpengaruh, and was a leader. This morning at work I stumbled across your article on your blog.

    “This is when it hits. When the funeral was done, when people left. When I wake up the next day with the most painful heavy feeling in my chest, not wanting to believe yesterday even happened. When I opened my eyes and burst out crying. When I saw the light in his room was on and heard my mom sobbing in there at 6am. When I see my dad cry at the mention of his name, every single time.”

    This hit me hard. I lost my own brother to cancer back in 2015. I also still vividly remember the last time I spoke to him. I remember every detail of his funeral. I remember how sunny it was, I remember how fresh the air was, I remember how tired I was, I remember how my body just didn’t need food or water or sleep, I remember feeling numb, I remember how horrible the next day was.

    I now remember how stronger his passing has made me. How appreciative I am of everything that I have. I remember how the pain never really goes away, but life truly does move on. And I remember how things eventually did get better.

    I hope I am not intruding, and I am truly sorry for your loss. But I remember how writing helped me back then, and I am sure it is currently helping you get through this.

    I hope my words can only confirm what you already know, your brother was an awesome person, and his impact on this world will not go unnoticed. Know that he is in my prayers, as you and your family are. Assalammualaikum.


    1. bellabae Post author

      Hi. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment because it made me feel like somebody understands. And thank you for the kind words bout my brother. He meant the world to me and our bond was strong. And I feel lost without him. But I’m trying my best to be strong. I really hope you could message me on Instagram @bella.52 I would like to talk to u xx I’m also sorry bout your brother. Losing a sibling is painful. The pain is indescribable.



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