Monday, 12 March 2018. 3 weeks since he left.
It hit me last night. After a week of thinking that I was getting better. No tears for a week, that’s progress right? But no I’m right back to where I started. I called mom in the midst of my outburst at 1AM and she said that writing is a form of therapy. So here I am trying it as much as I hate exposing my true feelings.
Grief is truly painful. I guess grief is the price you pay for loving someone so much. Some days I feel alright, like I can continue living my life as normal as I know how to. But some days I feel lost, so down that nobody can pick me back up. I can’t predict when I’m gonna break down and that terrifies me.
I miss my brother. I miss him being just a phone call away. I miss complaining bout meaningless stuff to him and the advises that he would give. I miss his voice. I can still hear it in my head and I’m afraid that I will forget one day. I miss the sense of comfort he gives. I miss sitting around with him and exchanging looks when my parents say something absurd. I miss bursting into laughter with him when they say something funny.
He was a part of me. A part of me that I love and I’ve lost. Having to live my remaining years in this dunia without him, I’m sad for the future.
Grief is selfish because grief is me being sad for myself. Grief is me being sad that he’s no longer here which is wrong because I know he is in a better place with Allah swt. But I am only human. I only feel sadness, no resentment.
My brother, my best friend forever. My heart is aching but I pray and recite doa for you every single day.
Till then, Inna Lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji’un.
Al fatihah to my brother, Sheikh Kharleez Bamadhaj bin Jaffar.
I miss and love you then, now and forever.